Wednesday, November 23, 2005

The night


It's funny how nothing can really happen in your life that anyone outside your head can see, but you can just wake up one day and think, boy, I am really fucked. Or, boy things have got to change. Or, boy, if I keep having these goddamned dreams, I'm going to kill someone else or myself.

This was that day. I'm up late now, because sometimes if I only sleep a little, I don't get The Dreams. They seem to come much more strongly when I get a lot of sleep. I made the mistake of going to bed at a reasonable hour last night (mostly because I felt like hell), and had a dream that fucked with my head so much that I had to make myself bleed just to stop thinking about it. Driving to work was hell. Nothing to do but sit there in the car and think about it. It made me feel filthy. It made me feel, like, it made me feel like I am a terrible person. And all I wanted was to get away from it. From the truth it was shoving at me.

Echgrble, what a fucking idiot I can really be.

I was a microcosm of emotional ills and extremes the whole day. It was hard to play the corporate game, where you smile and talk to people in the elevator and discuss projects and joke about politics and skipping lunch and staying late and all that crap. All I wanted to do at lunch was walk down to the river and pace and look at it and throw stuff into it and maybe do some sort of screaming or crying activity. Which of course is a futile want, because I can't remember the last time I was actually able to cry real tears that had anything to do with me. And it didn't matter anyway, because there was so much work on my desk that the only lunchbreak I had was the approximately 7 minutes and 28 seconds it took to walk down to the corner cafe and get some pasta salad. I ran up the stairs on the way back and had a minor asthma attack. That helped. It got my mind off things, anyway.

Now it's almost 2 in the morning again. I am still awake. I am still here. What in the hell is going to happen tonight when I go to sleep?

What if I wind up a dry, dessicated shell? What if I forget everything and cut this off, cut off what I am, with these dizzying swirls of emotion and color? What if I plunge back into experience? What if I turn up the saturation? What if the color bleeds out of me?

One delicious thing about all this is that it doesn't matter to anyone else nearly as much as it matters to me. I get to keep this private hell right between my eyes and behind my sternum and buried in my gut. I carry it with me and it's nobody else's. You can read about it, you can know me and see it in my eyes, but you're not living with it. And I'm glad. Because really, it's ridiculous.


At November 23, 2005 2:59 AM, Blogger suleyman said...

I know you're tough and that you can probably handle this, but that doesn't mean I won't be concerned.

I'll be around.


At November 23, 2005 10:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like the use of the word "Echgrble." What an eloquent way to combine so many emotions: frustration, irony, exasperation, self-talk. :-)

Hang in there, it's better than being dull and uninteresting.


At November 23, 2005 11:59 AM, Anonymous mary said...

" one with the drive
Into the red
Eye, the cauldron of morning."

Oh, J.
Hang in there. You're right, it's yours, the hell. But your words, raw and honest as they are, transcend bone and cartilage and touch others deeply.
Keep writing, if only to make sense of darkness and have a place to put it.
Wishing you rest, lots of rest without so much worry and fear.

Ginormous exploding crouton hug,

At November 23, 2005 6:18 PM, Blogger HM said...

Ouch, rough night(s) huh? :( Like everyone else says... hang in there, and we're all here. Sending some happy thoughts your way.

At November 23, 2005 10:11 PM, Blogger Heather said...

I've been there. I hope you feel better soon.

At November 24, 2005 12:48 AM, Blogger deputyswife said...

I haven't been commenting a lot on here because I think I might say the wrong thing. Tonight I decided I am going to comment. I wish you would try to talk to someone about these dreams and your feelings. Maybe you have, I don't know. All I can say is that I worry about you. I felt from the first time I read your posts, we had a kinship of sorts. Even though our lives are at completely opposite ends of the spectrum.

I know since you came back from SD things have been really rough for you.

I hope and I pray that things will turn around. I really do. Please take care of yourself. Please.

At November 24, 2005 10:59 AM, Blogger Steiner62 said...

I'm jealous. You're website is WAY cooler than my blog AND you do existenial angnst MUCH better than me.But then I DID have my nervous breakdown at 30, syou're timing is ood...I'm 43 now with 2 kids & my life is just Dandy. We're on the road To Nowhere.Big deal.Oblivion is a lot less bd thn lot's of things i could think of. Until then, let's party/relax/make love/watch Sponge Bob. Thanks or leaving a comment no my blog. Now. How to shamelessly copy some o the great stuff here for my own nefariuos ends.Hmm. Ps. A book you might find interesting Bddis Without Beliefs by Stephen BATChelor.

At November 24, 2005 10:59 AM, Blogger Steiner62 said...

SRY MY keyboard isfucked


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