Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Of two minds

A lil' too sleepy to post anything of substance.

Before I begin thtubbing out some bumbley words that don't mean much, here is a link to an excellent post Suley wrote about Haibane Renmei (the anime stuff I was glumphing about in my last post). I am too tired to think of the right words so I'm making some up. Oh also Suley's post has good pictures.

Today I had an experience that highlighted my rambling-on interior monologue about what to do for NaNoWriMo. Half of me wants to use the month of November to revise my current novel and get it into better shape and myself into a mindset where I can send it out for agent search round two. (Yes my ego is still battered from agent search round one, even though I am telling myself that the fact that I got as far as I did on my first try is pretty good. Rejection is still a steel-toed boot in the crotch, no matter.) The other half of me wants to strike out into new writerly territory and do something completely different, just for the sheer utopian joy and agony of writing again as opposed to editing.

It is like work vs. play.

The experience I had today was a flash of green fear. It's been a while since I was so scared I saw green, but today I was so scared I saw green--just for a fraction of a second, green like encroaching flowerpetals making a frame around my vision. It was precipitated by a Nathan email in which he mentioned killing himself. This has actually been in the past a thing of regularity that, after the first terrifying times, ceased to cause me fear. Every once in a while though he means it and these synesthetic flashes of fear I have always correspond to him giggling and reeling desperately and drunkenly on the edge of some real or imaginary cliff somewhere, teetering and deciding whether to let whoever's around him at the time pull him back by the shirt. It's just a silly thing that shouldn't scare me anymore, because after all, as he said today, "you have to want to die. Anne Sexton used to attempt to kill herself pretty much weekly. But she only died once." Every once in a while though. Every once in a while I get scared about the once. It only takes once. Especially I get scared when his tone wanders for more than a few days into the more esoteric realms of pontificating on pointlessness, as it has done since last week when a job thingie of his went into territory that means more than it maybe should.

The reason I bring all this up if only to myself is that for that moment when the green crept over and through me in a creepy flash, I was back where I was when I was writing the book in the first place, letting all that synesthesia madness be me, trying to get that one character out onto the page in the most honest way I could, and I felt all...whole again, like I was the conduit through which this actual person, not some figment, this actual person had to have his story told.

It's a heady feeling.

It made me think November should be given back to him. To his story. To trying to get it right again and to pursuing the goal of letting light fall on it.

On the other hand the darkness has been gone for going on three weeks now which is starting to feel like some kind of record and I don't know if I can just go back into it like that. I mean how many times can you do that to yourself.

I am soooooooo tired. Hence the lack of commas here, probably. And the improper punctuation to make a point.

Tomorrow is another day.

11 Comments:

At October 25, 2005 11:22 PM, Blogger M said...

When people call for help and then pretend they dialed a wrong number, that there is feeling powerless.

 
At October 25, 2005 11:33 PM, Blogger suleyman said...

I had no idea that writing this book of yours was so psychically taxing. I've never known real rejection like that. That is, nothing I've poured my soul into has been tossed like it was dross.

You've got madd skillz though. I think I've said that before, but i'm saying it again anyway. Maybe the NaNoWriMo (doopid name) will give you the chance to unleash some OG writing. Funk the editing.

And Nathan. I see Nathan now. That is, I have a better mental picture of who he is.

-Suley

 
At October 26, 2005 12:11 AM, Blogger HM said...

Green is an interesting color for fear. In my head I see it as some dark and sinister color, sneaking around in the shadows.

I'm sure you'll make the right decision, be it diving back into that novel, or starting something new. Best wishes, either way. :) I swear one of these days you're gonna be on a best-seller list or two, and we're all gonna be like, HEY, we read that guy's blog!

 
At October 26, 2005 9:25 AM, Blogger H-Train said...

It takes a lot of guts to share writing in general, so if you can do it once, you can do it again.

This is a strange question, but do you find that seeing your feelings makes them easier to understand/explain?

 
At October 26, 2005 1:16 PM, Anonymous E said...

Whatever you end up writing about, I can't wait to read it. Green = Fear, interesting. Green has always been a color of calm for me...

 
At October 26, 2005 3:52 PM, Blogger mg said...

Ever since my brush with death, fear has always been silver. The physical cold from the medical shock, the blood draining frm my body. The blade of clarity in an moment of complete helplessness.

I vote for a new novel. Where are you now?

mg

 
At October 26, 2005 5:41 PM, Blogger Sangroncito said...

Sweet dreams...see you in the morning.

 
At October 26, 2005 9:16 PM, Blogger cmhl said...

I think green is more of a sad color for me. fear would probably be more of a yellow-green.

and you are right, tomorrow is another day--- hope it is better.

 
At October 26, 2005 9:50 PM, Blogger Indigo said...

The fear of rejection, well and lack of time, has kept me for writing long enough. I say, write something new. Start with nothing but a couple of characters and let them take over the story. It's all in good fun, right?

If I had a friend like your's that tossed around suicide so recklessly, I'd be fearful too. Is this the friend you blogged about a month or so ago? The one that was always so needy?

 
At October 27, 2005 1:00 PM, Blogger Raehan said...

Just catching up on your week. I'm trying to make some decsions about NaNoMo, too.

Except I don't have an alrealdy written novel to play around with. Just a dusty old disseration that I'm going to ignore a month or more longer.

 
At October 28, 2005 3:00 PM, Blogger sidhe said...

I just LOVE it when people make up words, and thtubbing, glumphing and bumbley (did I get those right) are simply caluviating! On writing: I think it was Natalie Goldberg who said "just write. just write. just write."

 

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