Sunday, October 09, 2005

Earthquakes, love, food, and dreams

It's cold again.

In February, three days in the mid-fifties will be a heat wave. Now, it's...an awakening, of sorts. Right up to Thursday of the past week, it was in the mid-eighties and humid. Summer weather. I went skating at lunch on Thursday and I got all sweaty. Today, I don't think it got above 57. The sun hasn't been out since Thursday, either. Friday it rained some, downtown, but not where I live. It's sprinkled in a misty sort of way a few times since then but no real rain.

This weather is like me. It runs hot and cold.

This kind of weather makes me feel like cooking. Last weekend I felt so awful, I felt...that everything I tried to do was worthless, that cleaning the garage was a waste of time because it would just get messy again, that finishing painting the bathroom would take more mental energy than I possessed, that I might as well not pay the bills because I'll just go to work and earn more money and pay more bills with it and never, ever get ahead. That all my ambitions were dead. This weekend, I did so much. I finished the bathroom. I did the grocery shopping. Four loads of laundry. Took the dogs for a long trek through farmland. Cleaned the kitchen. Did some drawing. Went through the pile of bills and paperwork that had accumulated while I felt like too much hell to do anything about it. Yesterday, I made a giant steaming pot of chili spaghetti, and today tried something I've never made: crepes. Damn they were good. I didn't have all the exact ingredients I needed, so I made a few things up on the fly. Everything came together. Voila: crepes. Stuffed with mushrooms and rice and all kinds of spice. And some garlicky-herbally spreadbly delicious cheese I bought today. And covered in mozzarella and gooed up with sour cream.

The cold makes me cook. My fridge is full of copious amounts of food. Maybe I will get fatter. I feel prepared for winter, like a squirrel squirreling away acorns. Only I know where all my food is. And my food will not cause oak forests to grow.

I can remember for almost every year stretching back in my memory the first day when the air smelled different, in the fall. This year, that day was today. When touching warm things feels good instead of stifling. When three blankets seem like a good idea. When the air feels clean, all the way to the bottom.

I feel apprehensive in some ways. I can remember how nasty things got last winter. How cooped up I felt. How much I hated the house, the walls, the rooms I lived in that got smaller each day. I want this house to be clean. I remember feeling as though it was never clean enough. That no matter how much scrubbing or vacuuming or mopping or dusting I did, it was never to my standard of what a clean house should feel like. That feeling has gone away somewhat, since I've spent so much time outdoors over the past five or so months, but soon, I'll be back to only going outside to go places, or to walk restless dogs. This house will be a skin again, instead of somewhere to sleep and keep my photos. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet, but I don't have a lot of choice; winter is inevitable.

This year, there will be much more skiing. And, hopefully, no dislocated shoulders.

---------------------------------------------------------------
On to other things--last night, I dreamed a lengthy dream about love. The person with whom I shared this love was younger than me, and able to move the earth with his thoughts. He was not old enough to understand how to control his emotions enough to keep the earth from quaking around him. Sometimes, when he saw me at a distance, the earth would shake underneath him, tumbling rocks away from him, tilting hills into steeper angles. We agreed to meet on a mountain top. I trekked up the steep rock surface of the mountain. He had arrived before me and saw me coming. The buoyancy of his desire cracked the stones underneath his feet, so that chunks of granite (I remember the particular color of this granite, its sharpness when it cracked into brick-sized bits, the way it caught the light) flew up around him. A hunk of rock the size and shape of his left shoulder hit him full in the face, leaving his mouth a wrecked mess of blood, his teeth strewn out over the broken ground beneath him. When I reached him he kissed me with his broken mouth and I tasted bitter iron. I wrapped my hands around his upper arms to hold him steady, to make him settle, to make the earth stop quaking underneath us so we could make it the rest of the way to the summit.

When we made it to the peak, there was a...there was something like a gazebo there, only it was also a chapel. With white pillars, open to the wind tearing through. I held the boy's arms still, and his love was so strong that it was pulling the mountain sideways, so that the lantern-shaped bell emanating light from the ceiling of the chapel tilted, started pushing us harder together, down the side of the mountain. I could still taste his blood in my mouth. He had become tangled up with gravity somehow, so that he was gravity, and along with everything around us, I was being sucked into him. The earth shook and shuddered like it was a dog and we were water it was trying to fling from its body with the force of its shaking. I woke up.

And got online, and read about the earthquake in Pakistan. So many dead. And the number grows. And here I am with my American fridge full of food...

I wonder what exactly it will take to make me stop thinking about it and just do it. To make that decision. To leave this place. To go where help is needed.

18 Comments:

At October 09, 2005 10:18 PM, Anonymous Heather said...

You have very graphic dreams, and remember them. I'm jealous. If I do dream, I never remember them, and the once in a blue moon that I do remember something it's only bits and pieces. Odd coincidence... there's an earthquake in Pakistan and you're dreaming about earthshaking love. Think there's a connection there?

Oh, and I agree... just say NO, to dislocated shoulders. :)

All that food talk made me hungry, sounds like some good stuff.

 
At October 09, 2005 10:49 PM, Anonymous E said...

Boy, I wish I could come to your house for dinner...what you're having always sounds so much better than what we're having...
One day, I'd love to talk to you about where you want to go...help is needed everywhere...you can do a lot of good right where you are. My guess is that you do - even if you don't realize it.

 
At October 10, 2005 12:02 AM, Blogger suleyman said...

This weekend feels like the transitional period, the handing over of power from summer to fall. It's the interim government, the provisional rule. You get what I'm saying.

It's a cruel reign (rain). I wish it would at least clear up. I don't care if it's cool outside, I just want the sun to peek out for five minutes.

Did anyone ever say "this tastes like a piece of crepe?" If not, then I'm taking that. It's mine now.

Your dreams are always...more than vivid. I'm not sure if there's a word for that. I'll say eidetic, but there should be another word. They're better stories than I could possibly imagine.

Stay spackle. Tofu is good.

-Suley

 
At October 10, 2005 12:46 AM, Blogger The Great Saphenous said...

Those crepes sound scrumptious. That's my word of the week, scrumptious. Ever notice how some people use the word delicious even when they aren't referring to food? I'm going to try starting that with scrumptious.

I wish that I could remember my dreams with as much detail and cadence as you do.

 
At October 10, 2005 8:56 AM, Blogger Sangroncito said...

I love autumn. Here in Brazil it is Spring....quickly turning into summer....although here that means more heat and a bit less rain. I love fall colors, halloween and chilly nights cuddling in bed with a book and a warm body (be it a dog or a boyfriend).

 
At October 10, 2005 10:31 AM, Anonymous em said...

i have that earthquake dream thing-i wrote about it in my older, older blog and read that it is an actual phenomenon- a certain number of people do dream about earthquakes when/before they happen- usually size-able ones, sometimes just any earthquake-

the last time it happened to me was last spring- i dreamed that i grabbed the baby and hid under a table and waited it out- the next day i read that a place very close to where i grew up got hit by the biggest earthquake they had ever had in the region-

of course your dream was way cooler-

i, too, am plaqued by the fact that i am here doing what i do and not where help is needed-

enjoy the weather

 
At October 10, 2005 10:39 AM, Blogger deputyswife said...

I had my nesting instincts this past week-end also. I cleaned, cooked, played with the kiddies. We had a great time. It was too chilly to do much outside on Sunday. So I curled up on the sofa with my boys to watch Flipper. I know it doesn't sound like much, but relaxing on the sofa with three little bodies watching a movie is the best.

I know you are not requesting advice, but me being me, I am going to offer some. You need to make a plan of action. Decide what is going to make you happy in your life. Try it, if it doesn't work, try something else. You are a gifted young person who can do anything. Only you have the power to change your situation.

I am saying this because I know you are a decent person who could shoot for the moon. (All from your blog! LOL) As long as you keep blogging, go do it! LOL!

 
At October 10, 2005 12:35 PM, Blogger cmhl said...

wow, amazing dream!!!!

and, could you possibly come cook at my house? or make something fabulous and ship it to me on dry ice?

you only THINK I"m kidding. haha.

 
At October 10, 2005 2:43 PM, Blogger Sorted Lives said...

I wished I remembered my dreams as well... As for cooking, I love to cook, and yes, there is DEFINATELY something about that first "Fall" day that makes you want to make something like spaghetti or soup. The crepes sound yummy --

 
At October 10, 2005 5:53 PM, Blogger Spenceman said...

Hey man, thanks for all the great comments. I had a great time traveling and I'm having a great time now in Madrid. And yeah, I think that huge circle you saw a picture of was Public Art. ;)

 
At October 10, 2005 6:03 PM, Blogger Sweet. said...

Whoa. That's some good lovin'.

I, too, have very vivid dreams. They're coming fewer and farther between though. It feels a little like I'm going to sleep within my sleep. Like my head doesn't really have time to drive itself crazy anymore. I'm a little torn about it, actually. I know if my past self ever heard me say that, he would wretch on my shoes. Damn that kid's weak constitution. No more barren, icy wastelands? No more mercy killings? No more 100 level towers? No more Hell? No more feeling in dreams? Just disconnection? On the other hand, none of those nights ever gave me a decent sleep. I never felt rested. Always paranoid, and tired, and crotchety, and up, and down. Hm. You've given me something to think about.

 
At October 10, 2005 6:25 PM, Blogger Sweet. said...

So you've already made up your mind about leaving Cincinnatti? Are you ready for that? Have you thought of everything? You'll need money. You'll need a place to stay, wherever you go. You'll need clothes and inoculations. It'd be preferred you not be so injury prone. You'll need to figure out what to do with your friends and family. That's all I can think of right now. In any case, I hope you decide what's right for you. It sounds like you've given yourself quite a little something to think about as well.

 
At October 10, 2005 10:38 PM, Anonymous atpanda said...

There seems to be a contagious funk in the blogosphere these past few weeks. hmph.
If you went away, I'd miss you.

 
At October 11, 2005 12:51 AM, Anonymous Fitèna said...

J, that's some dream! So vivid! I remember all my dreams except when I turn on my left side right just before getting out of bed. Huh? That's what my Dad told me once. In order not to forget your dream, you make sure you get out of bed on the side you went to sleep on. For me, its the right side.

Savoury crepes are not my favourite. Got a sweet tooth. I like my crepes à la crème brûlée or with grated coconut powdered with some icing sugar. Yummy!!! Stop! I shouldn't be talking about food right now,am fasting and this isn't helping!!! I would have loved tasting that pasta though!

Bon Appétit!
Fitèna

 
At October 11, 2005 1:27 AM, Blogger Adeline said...

it takes a plan, that's all. before you know it you will be there.

go go go go

 
At October 11, 2005 9:05 AM, Blogger Indigo said...

I agree with adeline, it takes a plan.

Very interesting dream by the way. I dreamed over the weekend that I was a spy and was moved to the Ukraine with my family. How weird.

 
At October 21, 2005 10:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

To go where help is needed. Awesome! There's gotta be more than this, eh? Had those thoughts many times in the past 4 years myself. It takes courage and a plan I suppose. :-)

the code still taunts.

 
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