Thursday, August 18, 2005

Raw chickens. Slimy water. Money.

Work was kind of a bear today. I'm not going to write much about it, because it's long and involved and I ain't exactly in the mood. Basically what it comes down to is that I may or may not be getting tapped to do some gruntwork for a dude I can't stand. Hopefully that's not the case, but we'll see. I really love my job and have a great interest in preserving its current ideal status quo, but such things are not always feasible.

So, instead of kvetching about this dude and how irritating it is to watch him time and again circumvent and sabotage our established process and make us look like idiots because he's preventing us from doing our jobs by being one-to-whom-the-rules-do-not-apply, I thought I'd write some crap about our small department and how much fun it is to work in it because of the sheer ridiculousness of one of its members' sense of humor.

My boss has this thing about trying to find our price for stuff. I think he lays in bed at night and dreams this up. It cracks me up and often provides much-needed relief from the tedium that can be involved in proofreading technical or medical jargon. Some of the things he has asked:
  • How much money would it take for you to ride an office chair down four flights of stairs?
We have Aerons. I don't think HR would approve of our destroying them in an attempt to ride them down flights of stairs. Stipulations of this flight-of-stairs shenanigans: no protective gear, and if you fall, you have to go back and start from the place where you fell. I told him I wouldn't do it for any amount of money. One of the copywriters said he'd do it for fifty bucks. That wouldn't even cover his medical bills.
  • How much money would it take to get you to eat this entire raw chicken?
We were proofing some newsletter with a picture of a raw chicken in it. (It was something about eating healthy, if I remember right.) The chicken was shiny. It glistened. The chick who sits next to me said she'd do it for twenty grand, if she had twenty-four hours in which to do it. I again said no amount of money would convince me; first, I'm a vegetarian, and second, I don't think risking my life or at least surely a gnarsty bout of salmonella would be worth dollars. This led to a protracted discussion about my doing it for a billion dollars, which I could then donate to anti-factory farming efforts. I didn't have an answer. Would I do that? Could I eat the flesh of something with a central nervous system? It's like asking if you could prevent the Holocaust by going back in time to kill Hitler. You know what you could be stopping, but could you really kill another human being? Could you find that in you? I digress...
  • How much money would it take for you to plaster your car with republican propaganda and not explain it to anyone?
My car currently has the following bumper stickers: a three-foot-long, 1" thick wavy rainbow on the back windshield, a "Got Rights?" sticker, one that says "Ban Stupid People, Not Dogs" and has a pit bull on it, and one that says "D.A.R.E. to keep your kids off television!" I told him I'd do it for no less than a million, which I'd donate to grassroots organizations that promote the things I believe strongly in. Shit, who votes republican because they saw it on a bumper sticker?
  • How much money would it take for you to jam a baseball-sized wad of powdered calcium in your mouth and keep it there until it dissolved and you swallowed it all?
I just looked at him like he had three heads for asking that one. The chick who sits next to me said she'd do it for thirty bucks.
  • How much money would it take for you to go into the lunchroom and just start eating people's lunches out of the fridge without explaining what you were doing?
Oh dude now, come on. Could you ever show your face in your workplace again if you did this? I mean really. It's one thing to be sneaky and steal someone's lunch out of there (I've never done it, but others have). It's another thing entirely to blatantly snag someone's Lean Pocket and heat it up and snarf it right there in the lunchroom. I asked if I could explain the next day and like split the profits with the person whose lunch I'd stolen, and he said negative, you could never explain it. So yet again I had to turn him down for any amount of dollars. Sometimes it stinks having morals. Look at all the money I could be making.
  • I got twenty bucks right here that's yours if you drink this cruddy, slimy green water that my bamboo plant has been living in for the past two years.
There was like, maybe an eighth of a cup of this water. It was truly disgusting. It was slimy. It was cruddy. It was green. It was only twenty bucks. I turned him down. For fifty, I might have considered it.

All right, that's enough of that. One parting note. At lunch today, I met a friend at the downtown mall's food court (ugh)--I didn't eat anything there, just because...eh, because yech, but I took some pictures. The thing about taking pictures in a place as crowded as the downtown mall food court at noon is that everyone thinks you're taking pictures of them. You can't point your camera anywhere without pointing it at people. And so today I was trying to take a picture of some purple light reflecting on a white column, but there were these dudes in the foreground. I didn't even see them until I came home tonight and put the memory card in the cardreader and looked at the pictures. Look at these dudes. I just crack up every time I see them. (I edited out the purple light bit so y'all can see the dudes better.)
Thank you, and goodnight.

9 Comments:

At August 19, 2005 12:59 AM, Blogger Sangroncito said...

Them some scary looking dudes! You were lucky they didn't attack you.
And those were some scary images you conjured up there with those theoretical "how much" questions. As a matter of fact I've just lost my appetite for the next week. That's good writing!

 
At August 19, 2005 6:15 AM, Anonymous Jenelle said...

Ok. First your boss sounds awesome. Second, I'd go back in time and kill Hitler a million times, once a day if I could, for being able to commit such atrocities! Third (and probably the scariest!) I know people who look like that! That picture, my friend, is some funny ass shiat!

I also think you are so honorable for sticking to your morals, even when money is being dangled in your face. I say good for you!

 
At August 19, 2005 10:05 AM, Anonymous atpanda said...

If we cook chicken at our house I make Ryan touch it. I can't even bring myself to handle raw chicken, let alone EAT it.

At my workplace people are always playing practicle jokes on each other. I got hit TWICE this week. Once with the fart machine hidden under my desk and the other time they took a moving tag (we're moving areas at my work), put my name on it, and attached it with a bright orange piece of tape to a rotten banana and put it with my boxes to be moved to the new area. They love me. :-)

Your work sounds totally fun!

 
At August 19, 2005 10:20 AM, Blogger d.K. said...

You're lucky. I work with the nicest people in the world, but everyone is humorless.

That photo is a classic, and it's even funnier that you thought to post it!

Shit, who votes republican because they saw it on a bumper sticker?

You know, some of the voters out there had to have seen it on a bumper sticker - if they really knew the issues, GWB wouldn't be in the White House. I have to believe that...

 
At August 19, 2005 10:38 AM, Blogger Kross-Eyed Kitty said...

Your boss sounds like an interesting individual!
The dining dudes look like deer caught in headlights! Too funny!

 
At August 19, 2005 11:48 AM, Blogger Mr. H.K. said...

That's what happens when you eat the crap in Mall Food Courts. Those guys are each really only 14 years old.

Cheers,
Mr. H.K.
Postcards from Hell's
Kitchen

And I Quote Blog

 
At August 19, 2005 1:49 PM, Blogger Philip said...

So you're not going to tell us your answers? How are we going to get a good grip on your character if we don't know these important things?

 
At August 19, 2005 4:01 PM, Blogger Jen said...

LOVE the photo. That's good stuff. They look so guilty, don't they?

Raw chicken completely grosses me out, and I'm quite the meat eater. Who would actually eat that? Ick.

There's nothing better than "fun in the workplace". A sense of humor goes a long way in my book. I do sometimes miss working with a crowd of people in an office.

 
At August 19, 2005 6:15 PM, Anonymous Heather said...

That is a GREAT picture!! You have to wonder what they were thinking. Haha, that gave me a good laugh.

The chick that sits beside you needs help! A giant ball of calcium for $30??? That would take at least $500 in my book, and most of the other things I probably wouldn't be able to do either. It is funny to think about those things though; I love how random some of them are.

 

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