Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Word. Drunken words.

To feel better about shit:

-It helps to have a very, very good friend who lives far away, with whom you can talk about anything. Specifically, how long it would take to drink yourself to death in Montana in January. It also helps if this person has experience with this sort of thing and can provide useful guidance.

-Do some landscaping. If you have a sharp bush or landscaping tool upon which you can cause yourself some pain, or if you have a wooden swing upon which you can bang your knuckles as you attempt to scoop up the dog crap under it, that helps too. Mow the lawn. Sweat.

-Drink some vodka. Make some sort of sour, icy concoction in the blender, which is referred to in your household as the busted-ass blender; like all physical objects you own, something is busted on it. In this case, the nozzle whatsit that you are supposed to use to pour your vodka concoction out with is broken, and is now covered with duct tape, the lid from the soy sauce bottle, a paper towel, and a Ziploc bag. Putting all these small items to use to stop your vodka concoction from leaking out of your busted-ass blender onto your unattractive 70s-style kitchen counter gives you at least a momentary sense of purpose in your life. You are creating a versatile solution for modern living by coming up with a solution to the busted-ass blender problem.

-Put on some bug spray and sit outside on your busted-ass concrete patio while you do the work you should have been doing instead of mowing the lawn. If you drank your vodka concoction like you ought to have, it will suddenly be very funny that the shit you spent the last week cracking your brain on has been rejected by your ex and "needs significant rework."

-Have some kinky sex, after which it is *mandatory* that you take a shower.

-Drink some more of that vodka concoction, and be sure to follow the "more water than liquor" rule so that you don't have a wretched hangover in the morning.

-Read blogs. Avoid doing work. Drink more water. Download Skype.

-Realize it's quater to one in the morning. Oops, too late to do any more work.

-Crash.

14 Comments:

At August 10, 2005 12:18 AM, Blogger Michele said...

Stopping by to say hello....

Oh. My. Goodness. Late night wisdom, which is of course, the very best kind.

Now, I must know will the vodka concotion work if you do not have a broken-ass blender? Please rush details BEFORE I convert my shiny new blender into a broken-ass one.

Great post!!

 
At August 10, 2005 6:41 AM, Anonymous em said...

nice day- our crash is usually somewhere between 7:30 and 8:30 pm- it would be hard to toss a baby into your mix:)

 
At August 10, 2005 9:57 AM, Anonymous M said...

I'm glad things are turned (turning) around. Or at least a little less busted. And a little more ass...

 
At August 10, 2005 11:17 AM, Anonymous E said...

so...the disappearance of the poison ivy pic...does that signify the beginning of the end of summer? No more itches and more wakeboarding? Nothing worse than doing a lot of work to find out that it needs "significant rework"...ahhhhhhhh...more vodka, please!

 
At August 10, 2005 12:33 PM, Blogger cmhl said...

slushy vodka! the breakfast of champions!! (and shower-inducing sex, but I didn't say that, did I?)

 
At August 10, 2005 1:08 PM, Blogger d.K. said...

I have an electric coffee grinder that I have to shove a knife into to get it to grind, since the little button broke off. I have a knob on my stove that apparently is irreplaceable so I jimmied it with some duct tape and glue and it seems to work. I once had a Sony BetaMax machine (yes, I know, I know) that only worked when I jammed a chop stick into one of its orafices (don't remember how I figured that one out the first time...) But my blender seems to be fine. :)

 
At August 10, 2005 2:38 PM, Blogger greg said...

j, rants seem to be in vogue. you seem to be on a "busted ass" one at the moment. such ranting can be good for the soul. i would like to rant and possibly bust the ass of someone who has hurt a person who is very close to me...but alas, such things are left for a more opportune time. in the hope that i can brighten your day a bit, let me remind you that today is national s'mores day...that's right, time to get out the marshmallows, chocolate bars and graham crackers and get that campfire going. j, if this little concoction doesn't cheer you, then let me suggest drugs, my friend, or at least an eddie izzard dvd.

 
At August 10, 2005 3:23 PM, Anonymous atpanda said...

Wanna come over to our house? I live w/ the master martini maker. mmmmm

 
At August 10, 2005 9:21 PM, Blogger Sorted Lives said...

Vodka is the only way to go.. One of the gifts I received for my birthday was a set of cocktail napkins. One read.."For the record... the only problem I seem to have with alcohol is when I run out of vodka." The other.. " Monica dear, that was a precious little story. Now, be a sweeheart and fix mommy another martini." Gotta love a good vodka martini...

 
At August 10, 2005 10:13 PM, Blogger Blond Girl said...

I've certainly done the "read more blogs" till you can't possibly do any more work step....

Thanks for visiting!

 
At August 10, 2005 10:15 PM, Blogger Blond Girl said...

Oh, and I didn't know there was a song... I'll have to go listen to that :-)

 
At August 10, 2005 10:24 PM, Blogger Indigo said...

Yes, I'll agree with the read blogs thing to avoid doing work.

 
At August 10, 2005 11:22 PM, Blogger Sangroncito said...

Vodka, rum, wine...it all works for me.

 
At August 11, 2005 12:56 PM, Blogger Dr. Charles said...

i dig it, if only you bottle the whole thing up and drink it

 

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