Thursday, September 08, 2005

The blurry crack of colors

I wrote to my friend Cara tonight. By hand. With a pen. It felt pretty good to do that. I can't remember the last time I sat down and wrote a letter to someone with a pen.

I know I blather about color a lot and how it affects me. Allow me to blather further. My left ear has been ringing for the past three weeks. I don't mean little annoying ringing. I mean loud, painful ringing that comes and goes--it's always there, but sometimes, if there is silence around me, it's so loud it feels like there's an awl in my ear piercing the eardrum. Some sounds are very difficult to hear out of that ear now, but some are so crystalline that my entire body feels made of glass, that if the sound changes in pitch just the slightest bit, I'm going to crack all into bits and be a mess on the floor for someone to sweep up.

I know I should go to the doctor about this as I think that ear is infected, but there currently is no time in my schedule for a doctor visit. Unless a crisis befalls me, I'm taking my ridiculously-ringing ear to South Dakota with me.

Since this ear-ringing began, color is having even more of an effect on me than usual. It's not always consistent, so I'll probably fail miserably as I try to explain it. Usually when I get all colorfuled-out it's because I'm seeing two colors right next to each other. It can be mundane things, like when I look at the bookshelf to my left, there's an orange CD case right next to a green DVD case. And that has a feeling. Like a physical sensation inside me. Like two things blurring together inside my chest. That feeling has a shape and a sound and it gets all tangled up and blurred into one weird thing. I did this picture tonight to try to fuck with color my own way, on my terms, but it didn't work out and I felt even weirder after I finished it.

I feel pretty much just weird and as though my memories are more real than my life that I'm living. When I wrote to Cara it was all about a trip we took last year to Big Bend National Park in Texas and some of the things I remembered with a great degree of clarity from that trip. I also made this picture for her and put it in the envelope--it's a shitty black and white printout that I added color to.

I hate working this much. Today I found out I have to go in over the weekend, most of the day Saturday and possibly Sunday as well. Being a responsible adult is not all it's cracked up to be, all the time. If I refuse to do all this extra work, a lot of someone elses get screwed. And of course I won't let that happen. I'll go and do my civic proofreader-ly duty and come home and kvetch on my blog about how taxing my brain like this makes me feel all strung out and stupid. And, I will not look for another job, because when this one isn't sucking, it's great.

I hope I can chill out for this vacation. I've been keyed up.

I really need to thank all of you who provided encouragement after I wrote about my big fat agent rejection. I felt pretty damn low about it last night, as you might expect, and even lower today when I was getting ready for work and looking at the box it shipped in sitting on my floor. I had to put it out of sight so I could just get on with my day. I still have confidence in my own writing, but I'm not going to lie and say it wasn't shaken pretty good yesterday. But reading all your words has buoyed me a lot. I greatly appreciate everything each of you said. I am sure I will go back and read the comments on yesterday's post many times when I am feeling discouraged...so, thank you all again.

15 Comments:

At September 08, 2005 11:52 PM, Blogger Jenelle said...

when it rains it pours huh? just try to remember J.Star...dont get too caught up in your grown up responsibilities that you leave yourself behind. it wouldnt hurt if you said "NO" now and then...I am most sure your co-workers would understand!

 
At September 09, 2005 12:24 AM, Blogger deputyswife said...

Hey, don't let that one rejection get you down. Keep trying.

Soon it will be vacation time! Wait, maybe that is a bad thing for me? You won't be blogging... what am I going to do?!?

 
At September 09, 2005 12:45 AM, Anonymous Fitèna said...

I have trouble saying No too and Its a bitch cause that what everybody expects from you, a YES because you have trouble - and they know it damn weel - saying NO! You should give yourself a break or at least try! And buddy, give yourself some time to go and see a doctor!
BTW I love that your painting, the contrast between the vivid coulours and the gray!

 
At September 09, 2005 2:08 AM, Blogger The Great Saphenous said...

When one of the senses gets messed up, the other four do too. It's funny how something like a ringing in the ears or a headache or just general fatigue can ruin an entire day or even more.

At least try to remember that when you do work hard, you are helping to make someone else's life easier, and their work, in turn, will make your life easier. If that doesn't work for you, then you still have that vacation to look forward to. :D

 
At September 09, 2005 2:09 AM, Blogger The Great Saphenous said...

BTW, I tagged you for a meme a few days ago. At your convenience or not at all.

 
At September 09, 2005 7:44 AM, Anonymous E said...

I think I'm going to leave you a post every day telling you what a great writer you are - until you tell me to "STOP!!!!".
Hey, btw...you're a great writer.

 
At September 09, 2005 8:24 AM, Blogger d.K. said...

There are lots of causes of tinnitus. My hunch is it is from the volumn on the iPod (I listen to mine at full steam too), but it could be something else and you really should get it checked out. I've had it before and it can drive one crazy...
http://www.tinnitusinformation.com/

 
At September 09, 2005 9:02 AM, Blogger J. Star said...

d.k.--I read that listening to the iPod at anything higher than 2/3 of its maximum volume can cause hearing damage in a short amount of time, so I'm always careful to listen to it no louder than half its volume--annoying, because then you can hardly hear it, but I don't exactly want to go deaf either...I've been stopping using the headphones to see if the ringing goes away and it hasn't. :( Thanks for the URL, I'm going to go check it out now.

 
At September 09, 2005 11:40 AM, Blogger Spencer said...

Have yourself a wonderful weekend!

 
At September 09, 2005 1:32 PM, Blogger Sangroncito said...

That photo that you added to color to is gorgeous.

Have a great weekend. I'm sending you a private e-mail, by the way, regarding your post yesterday.

 
At September 09, 2005 1:36 PM, Blogger Sangroncito said...

Well, I wanted to send you an e-mail but the "link" on your profile isn't working so...I think you've read on my blog that my mom was a N.Y. literary agent. There were many examples of this, but I remember one book in particular that was rejected by 20 different publishers whose basic reaction to it was "yuck". My mom didn't give up and she sent it out one last time and the 21st publisher "got it" and it ended up on the NYT Bestseller list and sold millions of copies. So, the moral of the story is that sometimes agents and publishers just don't "click" with a manuscript but that's often more of a reflection on them than on your work. So hang in there!

 
At September 09, 2005 1:43 PM, Blogger Philip said...

Tininitis is rough - strange that you only have it in one ear (or that it's noticeable worse in one ear). I hope that it subsides quickly. Go to the friggin' doctor!

 
At September 09, 2005 2:37 PM, Blogger sidhe said...

Now I understand why you were doing research on synesthesia - it can be great, but it can be painful too, eh?

 
At September 09, 2005 11:33 PM, Blogger cmhl said...

as a lifetime ear infection sufferer, I can say that ear infections (for ME) don't usually involve ringing-- it is more of painful popping and cracking.. go to the dr-- it will make you crazy after a while...

 
At September 10, 2005 7:28 AM, Blogger Christian said...

hey! can't read your blog because those adorable pics of your dogs is overlapping. what do i do? what do i do?

 

Post a Comment

<< Home